William & Kate - The Royal Wedding - Live!

So William and Kate are finally tying the knot, and, without doubt, it'll be The Wedding of the Decade. Even as I write, the happy couple are (allegedly) sitting down with accountants, oops, sorry, "advisors", to start making all the key decisions about where, when, who to invite, and whether to get Johnny Vaughan or Chris Moyles to do the disco.

Now, in the "current economic climate" it's absolutely crucial not to look too ostentatious, but we also want to put on a bit of a show, so maybe it's time to ditch tradition and move with the times. As everyone is going to want a piece of the action, I suggest they ditch St Pauls or Westminster Abbey, and hold it at Wembley Stadium, or, even better, the new Olympic Stadium in Stratford. They could charge a small fortune for tickets, not only offsetting the cost to the public purse, but maybe even making a profit for UK PLC.

Obviously the change of venue would mean a switch to a civil ceremony, which throws open the opportunity to have the marriage performed by a proper presenter instead of a stuffy old cleric. So who to go for? Vernon Kay? Too regional, foreign audiences wouldn't get the accent. Davina? I can see her playing a role, maybe doing a "fly on the wall" behind the scenes as Kate gets her hair and makeup done. But there's only one candidate with sufficient gravitas to really carry the show, and that's millionaire maker Tarrant.

"William Arthur Philip Louis, do you take Catherine Elizabeth to be your lawful wedded wife, as long as ye both shall live?
"I do"
(Dramatic pause)..."You sure?"
"Yep"
"You don't want to go 50/50?"
"No"
"You don't want to ask the audience?"
"Nope."
"Final answer?"
"Yep...final answer."
"OK. William. I asked if you would take Kate to be your lawful wedded wife. You said yes..... OK, now Catherine Elizabeth...... will you take William Arthur Philip Louis to be your lawful wedded husband? We'll find out right after this break!"